04 Mar 2003|10:25am: breakingthegirl

this will now be deleted for personal reasons.

goodbye.

04 Feb 2003|10:22am: i'll make this public...
I?m thinking about starting a zine and I would LOVE you guys to contribute to my first issue! This zine would be meant for teenage girls and young adults (esp. people in what I like to call the ?cunt-rock? subculture, although I am not discriminating against anyone) to express their views on the world through poetry, short memoirs, photography, political rants, music reviews etc.

I do, however, have certain restrictions. I?ve noticed that topic such as self-mutilation and injury seem to be very relevant. Because these (serious) issues are such a part of the gothic stereotype, I would like to steer away from these subjects. It?s fine to talk about topics such as depression/eating disorders/drugs etc. Just make sure that these stories have a purpose. No ?dark? poetry. Use your judgment, guys. If you don?t want to contribute, you can still help me put this thing together.

:-D!

-Rachel

07 Jan 2003|09:46pm: just one reply makes these wasted hours worthwhile...
The ?truth? has faded. I am an outsider observing a remote universe. Please ? somebody- anybody- lift this cover from above. Set me free.. I was tricked into a world of deception. This is not about vanity, health, or appearance. My organs and vitality is thriving on a surplus, the sin lies deep within my soul. Maybe I don?t cut or drown or burn or smoke. THIS is my method of suicide. Here I am ? Rachel, the girl who starves all days, and binges all night. Take a good look ? stare me up and down. I can take an insult, just not a betrayal.

You never really knew me all along.

I hate how I?m so ignorant. I feel this need to relate to Lindsey, to tell her it?s going to be alright. I want her to know that if she falls, I will be there to catch her. I?ll try to melt away this sugarcoated shell.

I know I?m not invited. We are of different worlds ? the beautiful and the plain, the awkward and the teenage, THE FALSE AND THE EXPOSED. It?s obvious that I?m excluded, that I?m only there because I?m pitied. I don?t belong with teenagers. I?m sick of everybody pretending to be intellectuals. I?m sick of others getting praised for their ?works of art?. Where do I belong in this bohemian world?

I went out today to buy another journal/sketchpad. I tried to express this all though art, but the results caused even more pain. I hate the way my hand hits the paper. I am a disgrace to both art and literature. I have always needed something to be ? standards to live my life by. I turned Goth-rock and riot girl punk because they were obtainable methods of alternative conformity. Perhaps my eccentric persona is really just a cover to fill the void.

It takes me hours now to write a single entry. The words have stopped their flow. Each sentence is another struggle. I?m still naive in thinking that death should be a glamorous finish to any lifelong journey. When I begin to sink, I should go all out and drown.

Some people get rewards and trophies for their achievements. What do I strive for? Just one worthless reply!

So please?

07 Jan 2003|03:29pm: okay, here's the deal.

i have created my own style.

i just have one problem. i cant get my div layer UNDER my entries.

i would be really thankful for your help.

(ps - i have an extra dj code..which i WILL give away if somebody helps me out)

06 Jan 2003|01:01am: tell me who you voted for!!!

Me

fav. band of the following. afi hole smashing pumpkins jack off jill my ruin silverchair siouxise and the banshees bikini kill nin

(One Vote per Day)

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22 Nov 2002|09:31pm: [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<lj-user="redgypsy">') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

22 Nov 2002|09:31pm: [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<lj-user="redgypsy">') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

22 Nov 2002|09:31pm: You have to brave the storm before you embrass it's eye.

I've finally found acceptance. redgypsy asked to use a piece of my writing as part of her own journal. dangerousnvexed tells me that my words flow together. unsettledwitch says im beautiful. yourgodsdead likes my icons.

Why am I so blind to my own reflection?

I don't see myself as being particulary fat or ugly. I know that, in comparison, i can even be somewhat good looking! I've made more friends than ever before. My grades are no longer in the D range.

But it's just not good enough.

I'm obviously histrionic. I have always felt the need to capture your attention anyway i knew how. when starving failed, i cut. I didn't cut because I actually felt pain. Au contraire - I felt nothing at all. I just needed a realese - a way to say a big 'fuck you' to this world. I needed a reason for you to agknowledge my exsistance.

You say that you will always be here. That I don't need to fast or burn or dress like a fallen angel. Would you have listened if I had never started in the first place?

Now that people have finally opened thier ears, I feel the need to always have a story to tell. I'm concitered to be a good writer...well i better start to fucking cram away! Everything is perfect...shall we see how long this can last?

I hate feeling so...ordanary.

I want one or another. Give me fat or give me thin. Give me rich or give me poor. Give me pain or give me bliss.

Just don't leave me here in such a mediocre state.

20 Nov 2002|11:59am: the banner sucks. deal.

19 Nov 2002|10:25pm: i just cant do this....
tryed to save myself, but myself keeps slipping away...

19 Nov 2002|02:22pm: yet another journal style.
I'm actually having a great day. I've been reading lots and lots of poetry. Edgar Allen Poe, EE Cumings and Dorothy Parker.

I wonder how long this mood will last?

19 Nov 2002|08:57am: new journal style.
Because your eyes are slant and slow,
Because your hair is sweet to touch,
My heart is high again; but oh,
I doubt if this will get me much.

xxx

I try to think back to my past experiences, but all I can visualize is chaos. Life is all a blur. I?m completely out of touch with reality. I know that I?ve done good amount homework this year, but I can?t remember doing my assignments. I?m constantly sorting out all the tasks I have to complete. I spend hours each day on my compulsions. Each day just puts another load on my back. All I can do is watch and wait for my foreshadowed downfall?

I am so sick of everyday tasks. Of the little things I have to do to be part of society. Everything ? eating, working, just going out in public - takes so much from me. I wish I could be like Lindsey and smoke through out lunch. I wish that I didn?t live with constant guilt. And that I could just get loose for an instant. I?m always worrying about the consequences. Even when I finally do something somewhat rebellious, such as smoke, get drunk or high, I waste the experience thinking about how to get past my parents. And questioning my position.

I hate what online jounaling has done to me. God only knows how many hours I have wasted on this thing. Writing a grammatically correct entry is tedious. I wish I knew how to just stop?how to let go of this thing and be free of the pressure. Lindsey dropped out of swimming. But I can?t drop out of my own mind frame. I?m apparently not alone. My mom told that she works with people who have been keeping obsessive, detailed journals for up to twenty years. She apparently has one patient who writes her five-page letters every day of a vacation as a way to escape actually living their life.

I?m the type of person who goes to extremes. I can never seem to find a middle ground. I spend half my life over-working and the other half procrastinating. (Writing this entry has taken an hour on itself. I spend half the day fasting, just to find myself over-eating at night.

New calorie goal ? 800

I have came to the conclusion that stress catalysis most of my ?problems?.

Yeah?this whole thing was pointless. I?m sorry for wasting your time. Again.

18 Nov 2002|08:18am: Lullaby - Dorothy Parker
Sleep, pretty lady, the night is enfolding you;
Drift, and so lightly, on crystalline streams.
Wrapped in its perfumes, the darkness is holding you;
Starlight bespangles the way of your dreams.
Chorus the nightingales, wistfully amorous;
Blessedly quiet, the blare of the day.
All the sweet hours may your visions be glamorous-
Sleep, pretty lady, as long as you may.

Sleep, pretty lady, the night shall be still for you;
Silvered and silent, it watches you rest.
Each little breeze, in its eagerness, will for you
Murmur the melodies ancient and blest.
So in the midnight does happiness capture us;
Morning is dim with another day's tears.
Give yourself sweetly to images rapturous-
Sleep, pretty lady, a couple of years.

Sleep, pretty lady, the world awaits day with you;
Girlish and golden, the slender young moon.
Grant the fond darkness its mystical way with you;
Morning returns to us ever too soon.
Roses unfold, in their loveliness, all for you;
Blossom the lilies for hope of your glance.
When you're awake, all the men go and fall for you-
Sleep, pretty lady, and give me a chance.

Lullaby - Dorothy Parker

xxx

i wantneed a tangible grip on some form of reality.

i am so far from perfect...yet it's the utmost perfection that i strive for.

17 Nov 2002|04:31pm: i cant eat, sleep or even think like a normal person. my eyes are dreary from stress. my face is tinted red from wasted hours worrying in front of the computer.

my instability is finally mirrored in physical apperence.

17 Nov 2002|03:28pm: for once...not an angsty entry
i went to visit krissi and greg last night. i felt a little awkard at first, but, as the night progressed, things got a lot better. i felt like such a tourist staring at the 'small town' people. greg drove us to some cds stores (which closed early). and to walmart.

there was an icestorm. i awoke in the middle of the night to complete darkness. Power-outage. betty boop had fallen off the bed and was crying. i had no vision what-so-ever and it took a really long time to finally find her and lift her onto the bed.

i went outside this morning and took pictures of the damage on my digital camera.

( destruction )

17 Nov 2002|01:03am: i saw krissi and greg
a lot of shit happened today. but i just dont feel like updating. so deal.

16 Nov 2002|01:14am: kill the narcissist with his reflection
There is so much that I will never be. I glance in the mirror, to find a child?s idle refection staring me in the eye. As I stand there and wait for my features to reappear, I begin to realize that the void steals my identity. I?ve stood here through it all. That same glass has seen the Rachel of all shapes and sizes. The 87-pound skeleton still exists, but behind a mask of scars. But demons always find ways to return to their original form. My eyes are dreadfully dreary. I wish I could say I felt apathetic, but instead i'm just empty. I want to hide beneath my bed sheets and never re-awaken. I know that tomorrow is just another burden of work and loneliness. Tomorrow is always just another day?

15 Nov 2002|09:07pm: I don't think I've ever cryed so much in one day.

My mom was playing around with my school bag. And found my ciggerettes. She took them away. I dont have a clue to how I'm going to get through this weekend. Whenever I enter ct, i step into the void...

15 Nov 2002|12:52pm: i am having what can possibly be my worst day yet.

( problems... )

Let's just say that I already fucked myself over. I have to go up to the country with my parents. Which means constant watch. I have no clue to how im gonna deal. I need some ciggerettes right now, but, of course, i dont have a clue to how to get any because i dont have a fake id and am soically inempt.

fuck this all...

15 Nov 2002|07:43am: school meetings always seem to work opposite effects on me. i know that if i ever do go back to cutting, i will probably start today. im bound to do something stupid.

my mom offered me some sedative to get through the meeting.im a massicist and told her id get through it by myself. all morning, shes been going on about how i know all about eating disorders already. and how i have to sit there, blah blah blah.

fuck this.

14 Nov 2002|02:23pm: i should have been working...but instead i was out smoking with MURKO! i hate him, right? but, once lindsey and molly were gone, we started talking about how we could never really hate eachother. how it was all part of his 'act'. im not sure exactly how i feel about that...

and yeah. thats my day.

13 Nov 2002|09:12pm: ( diet )

I completely broke down at theropy.

She told me that my major issue is anger control.
im furious at my parents for invading my privacy.
im furious at my doctors for making me get treatment for ana.
im furious because simple things are so difficult do to learning disabilities.
im furious because im always morally stuck in the middle of my parent's fights.
im furious because eating disorders run in my family.

I also learned that I can't decide if i should detach from parental control.

i wish i could. but i love/need the so much.

I have so many assignments and not nearly enough time.

( killing me softly... )

13 Nov 2002|04:17pm: ( i want this picture as my background... )

12 Nov 2002|05:58pm: im such a worthless piece of crap with no real purpose...

12 Nov 2002|11:48am: i got bored and fixed the poem in class....it sucks. but deal.
They haunt us

Their shadows wither to the sky
The grey dimensions of what?s to never come

Their emancipated and plump
Throughout their suspended hunger-battle
The reminders of endless future dreams

Their battle is tireless
For the thin people do not relinquish
Their heartless desires from empty souls

They haunt us

With their silver lies-
What flesh angels we see!
Atrophy? an outline of inspiration!

Fading into the dusk
On the shores where Venus lay
Our ghosts beside us

They stare their shooting stares
And cry their sorrowful songs
The songs from the bones bellow

They haunt us

Like sacrifices to the classical gods
Like martyrs in disguise
Like unorthodox deductions of mankind

With childless centers
With heaven as their hell
With fantasy a tangible reality

With limbs thrusting against our earthly fields
With the moon as their guild
Heartless woman lay to rest

.xxx.

I had a difficult morning with food. breakfast - 250 calories. i plan on having a diet coke and/or tea for lunch. then it will be even. or something.

but im getting quite sick of obsessional food paterns. on friday i will deal with the eating disorder meeting with a sinsiter expression on my face. it really doesnt matter.

i got into this big thing with my phycologist about the war in iraq. lets just say that im VERY against it. it pisses me off that the republicans now have so much power in the government. how stupid are we - america should know better than to allow any party to have such control.

I'm really against war in Iraq. But...I understand why Saddam Husane needs to be stopped. One bioterriorism attack and the world is at jepordy.

*takes deep sigh*

i hate murko with such intense passion. there is so much i want to say to him. but i cant express myself.

um yeah. thats my life in a nutshell.

11 Nov 2002|11:51pm: They haunt us

Their shadows wither to the sky
The grey dimensions of what?s to never come

Their emancipated and plump
Throughout their suspended hunger-battle
The reminders of endless future dreams

Their battle is tireless
For the thin people do not relinquish
Their heartless desires from empty souls

They haunt us

With their silver lies-
What flesh angels we see!
Atrophy? an outline of inspiration!

Fading into the dusk
On the shores where Venus lay
Our ghosts remain beside us

The reassurance of a soul?

11 Nov 2002|08:33pm: want to know how i currently feel? go back two entries...
i dont really have anything to say. but i just can't stop updating. what happens when this era ends? what am i left with?

my paintshop tryout days ran out. :-(

and yeah. thats about it.

10 Nov 2002|09:02pm: drugs help you loose weight, right?

well bring them fucking on!

who cares if i die in the fucking process?

10 Nov 2002|08:32pm: 68 degrees in November. Fresh air should have been allowed to circulate. The burden of winter should have been lifted from my sholders. I should have been jumping, flying...i should have taken advantage of the freedom. But winter is my destiny. I went to one of the parks from my childhood and swang to the swingsets. But all I could see were the faded memories of days that never really exsisted.

Summer isn't amazing. It's just a question of 'anywhere but here'..

I have used up an entire disk on my mom's digital camera. Trying to take one picture in which I looked decent. Now you, my fellow readers, may think that I have no right to complain. That the face you saw entries ago was not all that grosome. But think of it this way...I used up about two rolls of film in order to get two pictures to post.

Everything, all 116 pounds of me, is just in abudence. Everything - all first impressions, every ounce of confidence, every winkling of hope - just boils down to your skin. Skin and bones - humans are vile and blind. Skin and bones - that's all that we can ever see. Every being among us is just an illusion. A mirrage. Other animals mate with countless creatures of the opposite (or the same) sex. But we've been currepted by this concept of 'beauty'. And from beauty comes love. The loved, the famous...it all boils down to skin and bones.

A book is it's cover.

I have been both blessed and cursed with morals. Leaving me without methods of excape. I can't hide in masks of neglect, abuse, alcohol or cocaine. I am a living example of Newton's 2nd law...every action has an equal and opposite reaction. And mine is always guilt...

People change. And eras end.

Somehow I'm always left with a shut door and no signs of new begginings.

10 Nov 2002|03:57pm: "I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

Sylvia Plath - Mad Girl's Love Song

People keep on giving me all this shit about how Sylvia Plath is the most cliche writer. They don't understand that my infatuation is not related to her suicide. She has the power to manipulate words. Her poetry makes me swoon. There might be a lot of other authors out there. Authors that are not as associated with the modern 'prozac nation'.

But she was my first. And only.







happy birthday emily!

10 Nov 2002|11:17am: boring entry.
dj was stupid and wouldn't load last night.

let's see...emily's party. a bunch of softmores throwing shit at each other. and chocolate icecream cake. enough said.

when most of the people left, we all decided to go outside for a 'walk'. zand saw this guy outside who kept talking about drugs and herion. we all hung out with his friends. the guys seemed to take some special liking to me or something. i smoked again. the guys helped me climb over the park wall to smoke up with them. but there was like five minutes until my curfew so i climbed over again (by myself) to go back with molly. i gave them my number. One guy was like 'we are gonna do it together...'.

Strange.

I am addicted to these kind of situations. They make me feel mature. Like I'm really in high school.

I always have to prove something to myself.

08 Nov 2002|08:42pm:
He is immune to pills: red, purple, blue ---
How they lit the tedium of the protracted evening!
Those sugary planets whose influence won for him
A life baptized in no-life for a while,
And the sweet, drugged waking of a forgetful baby.
Now the pills are worn-out and silly, like classical gods.
Their poppy-sleepy colors do him no good.

.xxx.

new imood...saturnine

everything has became so dull. everything is blurry. i can't concentrate on my homework.

08 Nov 2002|08:13pm: i have this strange feeling that my life is about to change in the blink of an eye.

( Read more... )

song of the day. nin - into the void.

07 Nov 2002|09:18pm: Another entry for the one's i lost....
I had hoped that we would remain the same. But, in the end, lost souls are always alone.

I stop to take one last breath. Another moment has just slipped away under my fingertips. And all I can hold is that vague memory. The same vague memory, come time, will haunt me.

I can't just continue denying my life. I am not wise or extraordaniary. I am not a writer, an artist, a friend, a lover, a poet. I am just another ordaniary wallflower. A shallow teenager with no relevence to the world.

A hypothetical question. What happens if I pass away? Big fucking deal, right? People mourn for days, weeks, months, years...just to re-discover love and ambition. We've learned from life's examples - people come and go, but society is untouched. I have thought wrong - death is not the ultimate form of anger or rebellion. Death is not a consequence or a big 'fuck you' to the world. Death is just another illusion. Another one of our lies. Everything around us stinks of these lies...

.xxx.

Those endless summer nights are over. Winter inches closer...i need to overcome this overwhelming fear. What more can disapear? I lost my freedom. I lost my warmth. I lost my hope. I lost my scars. I lost Tanya. I lost attachment. I lost friendships. I lost you.
the abyss opens up, it takes everything from me...

Time flies. Friendships change. Children grow.
...but something still remains...

07 Nov 2002|06:18pm: im really proud of my newist icon. it took me a while to figure out frames.

allyson randomly noticed that i had been loosing weight. strange, eh? but it really made my day. i miss going out to smoke with allyson and lindsey. i stopped because molly goes insane every time i do. and i cant deal with that. it just tears me apart.

i have so much work to do right now. i should stop procasinating with another meaningless entry.

06 Nov 2002|10:05pm: I now have a new default icon. Courtney Love - 'miles and miles of perfect skin'. Now I just need a new theme to go with it. Everything on my dj is beginning to look so messed up. But I'm awful with creating styles. If anybody wants to re-do it for me (aka make the themes grey and white because im wayyy too lazy to do so myself), go ahead. until then...

My mom spent a good hour yelling at Dell. Especially because they wanted her to pay 1000 bucks to fix something that they had screwed while 'replacing the screws'. After transforming into a manic creature, the company finally shut her up by offering me a new, free laptop!!!. She accepted! Yes, that's right kiddies! I'm getting an up-to-date dell with zero cost.

I've been re-reading The Bell Jar. For some reason, I found myself remembering nothing about the novel. I have always loved Sylvia Plath's ways of poetry. She strings together words so diligently. Her diaries express her pretenious need for using the exact vocabulary to express herself. I admit to stealing a lot of her methods and euphanisms, and transphoring them into my own works.

on another note...
i found myself lurking on the aol sterotypes board. and i came across a post tittled 'gay people'. Some kid said he was gay, and asked if anything was wrong with that. and some hateful comments were posted. but this one was the most disturbing...

Subject: Re: Gay People
Date: 11/6/2002 9:36 PM Eastern Standard Time
From: DPWOLF8888
Message-id: <20021106213621.28367.00023108@mbs-m04.aol.com>


alot of things. if your a guy. i would kill you. so stick a knife up your butt and see how that feels. how does that feel? if your a girl thats cool. but what the heck happened to u? were u malested for a few years by your mom with a ho ho? your a freakin hippy. arent u? . its just like everyone look at me i want to be in a boy band!! so i can have fun with justin timberlake.

if anybody wants to e-mail this creature and tell him what a slutbag he his, please go ahead.

05 Nov 2002|09:45pm: i was a very 'big' child. but it took me forever to realise this. suddenly, in fifth grade, i looked down. everybody else was slender. sterotypical children. you know, the kind that still hold on to thier babyfat. but all of thier activity has payed of, making them look delicate and fragile. Meanwhile, I'm stuck with a C-cup and an ever-changing body. I should have been a child, just stuck in an adult's body. But this very same mask i wear today stole my ignorence.

suddenly, in the middle of the summer before seventh grade, i found myself loosing weight. god knows why. i remember the exact moment when i hit 99 pounds. it was a dream come true. i promised myself !never! to go back to where i was. i read books on nutrition. and the numbers stayed in my mind - the weight kept dropping. until...kblam.

you've forced it back upon me. im back where i began. i cant lie, i know that my body shaping has progressed. im no longer that ugly child in those holiday greeting cards. but only now can i begin to grasp the conquiences of that summer.

i don't know where that wieght went. i dont remember the three-year progression into this figure. purphaps i really am dissociative. or maybe just delusional. i guess i just woke up one morning and found that i didnt belong. that purphaps god had confused me and that girl from the subway. i was mismatched.

my goal - to look into the mirror and both reconize and agknowlage my reflection.

rachel<--- im very sorry if this triggered anybody.

05 Nov 2002|03:06pm: band-ness.
i just started teaching myself 'playing your song' bye hole on bass. suddenly, the begginning just started making sence! it's an amazing feeling. worth staying home for.

anyway, i realised how awsome that song would be with a band. kind of like what they are doing on the holetribute cd.

anyway, do any of you new york people (hint hint emily and lindsey) want to learn it and 'jam' together?

(em can play drums. somewhat. and lindsey and play guitar. somewhat.)






who am i kidding? i know that i could never be in a band. i need to be the center of attention. i have always dreamed of being the lead singer in some chick band. and bass players are usually off on the side.

when i was about 10, people would get me to work with my speech theropist by saying that my lisp would get in the way of fame.

after about nine years of speech theropy, i still have that goshdarn lisp. but it's only noticable when i get nervous.

if i ever DID become famous, i can garentee that i would be stressed as hell and off on speed in a second. live glamorous, die young.

05 Nov 2002|01:48pm:

how would you commit suicide?

i have offically eaten 400 calories. fuck.

05 Nov 2002|12:01pm: lets see.

v8 and some breadsticks - 100 calories
tofu and a bite of yogurt- 150 calories
about two spoofuls of icecream - 100 calories

total = 350 calories.

meh, thats okay i guess. i just wont eat a snack. i can get up to 400 before dinner.

i had my advisor conference today. the teachers have this idea that im really a brillant child and writer. 'if only i could get my work in on time...'. my dad is convinced that if he helps me, everything will be perfect.

i've really lost my whole 'gothic' touch. today im dressed almost exactly like that girl on the back of live through this. you know, jeans and a flannel. long hair. down. i took me about an hour to get dressed because nothing seemed to fit correctly. my mom took me into moris brothers to get another pair of ufos. they didnt have any. instead, i tryed on some discount babydoll skirts. (discount, of course, meaning 35 bucks). my body, however, is too fucked up for normal wear. i remember how, before my ana days, i was close to having to shop in plus size stores. maybe ill start doing that...or just going to hot topic every other day.

speaking of hot topic like places...does anybody know any cheep places on the internet to buy some gothic wear?

my mom is on the way home to have me try on clothing. if she finds out that i was writing in this thing instead of doing homework, she will flip.

so adious.

ps - i need to create a new style....!

04 Nov 2002|06:07pm: i actually ate a normal amount today. i was starved and forced myself to eat a 300 calorie dinner with a 200 calorie snack. along with the 500 calories from my mini breakfast and emilys lunch. 1000 calories. i feel sick. i went to the bathroom and started purging, but wouldnt let myself do more. so now i just feel sick as hell and nausated.

i got dropped from two of my chorolab dances. sam's and julia's. i went to talk to the teachers and, by the end of our 'meeting', was holding back tears.

i couldn't walk today. the first rehersal made me sick.

our chorus went to the oprah. it was a great show...but i had a pounding headache. and knowing that i would have to deal with all that food was no help.

i've only lost one pound this week.

i need help.

on a better note, Gothical_Emily sent me her pictures. She's all pretty and goth-ic.

04 Nov 2002|07:14am: from last night - im better now
I just don?t know anymore.

New adjective to describe today?s downfall ? sinister. I?m taking everything so seriously. I can?t get myself to smile. I?m frozen.

I?ve eaten about 850 calories so far. Which means that, by the end of my midnight bingeing, I will probably be over 1100. The doctor said that a teenager my size should be eating between 1600 and 2000 calories a day. And 1100 compared to 1600 really isn?t that small an amount. My mom commented that my face looked like it had been thinning out. Which is somewhat ironic because I?ve only lost one pound since Tuesday. I need to plan ahead ? I know that I don?t want ana. Especially in the winter. And I know that when I finally do loose the weight, I won?t know how to keep it off.

I don?t want this. I?m a feminist, dammit. What kind of feminist diets like this?

But I can?t pick my obsessions. They just come to me.

I want to get over this by myself ? but not gain the weight. I?m scared that a parent or teacher will figure it all out. I mean?Zand did. Somewhat.

I just have no control.

which is somewhat ironic because that?s what ana is all about

01 Nov 2002|09:12am: Hope Unknown. Sometimes just waking is surreal.
I walk right through the nameless ones.
I know that hope's unknown.
Sometimes the water feels so real.
As I walk through it fills my lungs, my god, I'm drowning.
This day never seems to end.
This pain, never.
This rage will not let go.

xxx

your eyes pierce through my skin. i am week, i am fragile, i am nothing. in a body of abundence.. a body that does not match this inner me within.

i cry every night. my tears are invisible, i know how to hide. i awake every morning to find myself in a surreal world. To look in the mirror and find that nothing has changed. And I go through the day to experience the same old nothing. It's an endless routine. Talk. Eat. Work. Yell. Die...

I'm that girl from all the rock songs. The girl on the outside, who's trying to look in. But all she can see is illusions.

I walk through the halls, and my heart is breaking. Every move, every glace, every moment is just another vast motion. Another attempt to tear me apart. And you're right - i complain. but i forgot how to just shut up. i forgot how to play pretend. I forgot how to keep to myself. I forgot what it means to be alive.

And I had such hope. Halloween allows you to hide yourself. You don't have to worry about looking awful in your size 9 jeans. You are still yourself, but apart. You are a mask. You are free.

I ate 100 calories this morning. I spent about an hour contemplating purging. I feel disgusting. I'm not loosing any weight. Of course. My goal is 800 calories a day. But?even that seems like such a large number. I want to go down and down and down. I want something to live for.

I?m trapped.

You can complain to me, Emily. My heart is open. I care about you a lot more than I care about myself. It hurts me when you keep things to yourself. It hurts me to see your hurting. Yes, I have the tendency to talk back. I?m sorry. I don?t know how else to reply. I?m so use to having to force others to see it my way. Because that?s the only way I know. It was the only way I can get my mom out of her dream world of perfection.

I love you.

31 Oct 2002|11:28pm: i hate how holidays stand as milestones. a clock ticking away at your existence - another date set in stone. Only 365 more wasted sunsets until you repeat the same meaningless patterns in your head. And you think ? where was I</s> last year? This exact second, a year ago Halloween.

October 31rst, 2001. I was just another teenage wasteland. A mindless zombie rooming the halls of my high school. I had never heard of Ministry, Jack Off Jill, My Ruin, Human Waste Project, Bikini Kill, VNV Nation or Skinny Puppy. If my wardrobe had a theme, it would have been ?Hot-Topic-child-meets-trendy-dysfunctional-high-schooler?. I wore black pleather pants and a shiny red one-sleeved top to school. I carried a whip. Theme ? dominatrix.

But the week of Halloween 2001 marks an even more important event. I keep on trying to think back and remember the exact date. I believe it was a Thursday. Dr. Lombardo told my mother that perhaps I had been bipolar all along. In other words - the one year anniversary of this outburst of suicide.. I remember how suddenly, after muttering those awful words, I started to slip. The next Saturday was the party at Rachel?s. The ?party? that opened up my mind and catalyzed me to think in new directions. I will always love Rachel. She led me into a world of acceptance. Or art, of poetry, of music. A world where love is all that counts..

I didn?t make any plans for Halloween for two reasons. One, I thought I would be visiting my dad. Two, nobody invited me. My mom started to have a spas attack, so I excaped off to Molly?s. To get a phonecall that I had to be back at eight-thirty because her friend was going to be helping me with my bio project. A very easy project in the first place. While everyone else is trick-or-treating I?m stuck with an obsessive control freak. He spends three-and-a-half hours formatting my template/ That?s right folks, three and a half hours. On a project that doesn?t even count for jack shit. Meanwhile, I feel myself crawling in my skin. Like that Linkin Park song. I?m about to cry, and to shake, about to scream.I can?t stand ? im exhausted. My mom had woken me up THREE HOURS before I had to be in school this morning.

I hate you because you don?t work your ass off. Because you are able to go out, get drunk, party?have fun!. I?m never at rest. I don?t even know what rest means anymore. Sometimes I contemplate ending it all just to shut my brain up.


i hate everyone who got a chance to experience the best day of the year

31 Oct 2002|11:38am: finally...i have rediscovered my love for halloween. i came into school as an assortment of things. i wore my black polka dot dress, the devil horns i bought at the ren faire, and my black sugah shoes. i put some fake blood on my arms (not wrists) and, midway through the day, decided i would be 'the devil with the black dress on'. i am carrying a pumpkin and a hammer (smashing pumpkins) and a bunch of nails (nin). my mom's ideas.

my dad called me right before he went into surgery. he was obviously pretty drugged up, but thats okay. i almost started crying. it's strange - you never know how much you love somebody until you begin to lose them.

i decided that i wouldn't go on an extreme diet today. but im having a lot of trouble getting myself to eat a piece of candy. im afraid that my calorie counting obsession may have started up again. it took me years to get over that.

there is nothing to say.

oh, im starting to make most of these entries friends only. if you think im cool, leave a comment and ill add you back.

im just too lazy to create a banner...unless somebody else wants to make one for me!!!

31 Oct 2002|06:45am: i just got woken up because my dad is having his surgery now. never before have i felt so sick to my stomic...

i've always been okay with his surgeries. but, for some reason, im petrifyed.

today = no fasting. because its halloween.

i dont even have a costume. i havent been able to think....

30 Oct 2002|09:44pm: today was the cabaret. perfect, right? the day started out perfectly fine...until david just had to break it to me that i had done the history completely wrong and we were both going to fail if i didn't get a corrected version of sections 1 and 2 in by the end of the day. i started freaking out and typing away like a manic beast during spanish. i came back from a bathroom break to find some freshman playing around with my write up. i asked him if he thought that fucking around with other people was amusing, and he said it was. i told him he was an immature brat, and he responded by telling me that at least he didnt do his homework in class. that was the last straw - i started screaming that he didn't have a father in the hospital about to have heart surgery and wasn't in chorus stressing his ass off to get decent grades in a subject that I just cant get. i think he got my point, because, after that, he just shut up.

but that wasn't it. i started crying in the beggining to geomatry. i just knew that i couldn't get it all done. its too much, i crack under pressure. i have to do my physics lab too...i cant do it! it makes no sence... emily is right - i really shouldn't be in three dances. but i just cant drop out. i need to do everything JUST right.

speaking of dances, i found who's dances i will be preforming in. julia's, antrice's and sam's. oh god, sam's...murko. i cant get along with murko, its just a conflict of interest. we fight every day. he finds it amusing to call me a piece of 'gothic traler park white trash' which, of course, makes no sence. he always smells like smoke, only cares about popularity, and enjoys physically pushing me around.

i missed the beginning of chorus because i was too busy freaking out about the history. mr landriou got mad. lianna missed the rehearsal for quartettes and he was being a bitch about it. he didnt want to let her sing...we NEED her! I mean, she?s the friggin lead?

I went to visit my dad after chorus. Being with him in the hospital is actually pretty relaxing. I didn?t get invited to trick-or-treat with anyone this year?so I?m probably going to use my dad as an excuse to get out of Halloween friendship-ness. And eating the Halloween candy.

Talking about food, I?ve been really careful over the last couple of days. I had 950 calories so far ? I know that?s a really disgustingly large amount though. Not in general, but for me. I want to get down to 800 calories a day.

Emily ? I?m sorry I?ve been so possessive lately. I love you. .

29 Oct 2002|11:22pm: im sorry
igore my last (friends only) rant. i was feeling really bitchy. i just want peace among my friends. hopefully emily, zand, and everyone else who cant currently stand me will eventually get over it. and i will become a friendlier person. until then...

29 Oct 2002|11:24am: last night i was feeling like absolute crap, so my mom let me stay home.

i wake up to a phone call from david - apparently i had fucked us both over by not handing in the history correctly. i started freaking out and turned on my loner. just to realize that i had no idea how to connect it to the internet or printer. just as i was about to either break down crying or go get dressed at go to school, david called again. i got on the phone with mr. villicana and told him that i was home because my dad was getting heart surgery (which was not a lie). i said that i was really sorry, and that i didn't want to mess up somebody else's grades. getting that 96 probably paid off, because he told me that it was okay. just to never let it happen again.

my mom just told me that his surgery has actually been postponed until Thursday because his blood still won't clot. I'm not really all that worried - he has some of the world's best surgeons working on him right now. the hospital visit has really taken its toll on me. i'm worn out...yesterday i was having problems standing and such. i know i really shouldnt be complaining. emily's father just died! meanwhile, i can go visit my daddy whenever i want to...he calls me every morning to say that he loves me.

sometimes i don?t know what's worse. to watch someone dying for years upon years, or for them to pass away without warning. to be overly prepared, or in complete shock.

27 Oct 2002|10:58pm: after visited my dad last night, i decided to go work out. or swim. anyway, on the way to the gym, i saw this guy who use to go to school with me. and i started going into hysterics. crying and whatnot.

then, at about one in the morning, i realised that my history project with david was a distaster. and i broke down. before i could stop myself, i banged and somewhat-destroyed my computer. i was a mess...my mom wouldnt let me get out of her reach because she was afraid id do somethign stupid. i dont know.

i kept on falling asleep today. in the cab, in my dad's bed, next to my mom while doing phyics.

the hosptial has almost became comforting. its almost a reutine(sp) now.

im really exhausted and cant type. sorry.